This year I turned 35.
I’m officially on a one-handed countdown to 40 and I’m actually kind of excited about it.
Between now and 40 I’m going to be working on a gift.
A gift I’m going to give myself.
The gift of acceptance.
I have a miserable self esteem. (I think that is the proper term)
I desperately want to be accepted by others, to be ‘good enough’, to be approved. Problem is I am… but I can’t accept that I am. I make up excuses for why someone would lie to me and say nice things (oh, they’re just trying to be nice).
Now that I’m not in an town full of judgemental hypocrites I’m starting to see that maybe I AM a nice person. Maybe I am occassionally funny, or at least fun to be around. Maybe I am crafty. Maybe I could make something worth having or *dare I say* buying!
Maybe I really can cook decent food. Maybe I am a good mom. Maybe I am a good friend.
Maybe I didn’t get to sing at church just because I was the ONLY one willing to do it, maybe it actually sounded nice.
Just because I’m not going to be the next Martha Stewart, Gordon Ramsay, or Alicia Keys but that doesn’t mean I can’t craft, cook, or enjoy a little karaoke.
Just because my kids hates doing Math, doesn’t mean I’m a bad teacher.
Just because I decided that I didn’t want to work in the accounting field doesn’t mean I wasn’t a good accountant.
And just because I’m overweight now, and have been most of my life, doesn’t mean I can’t turn it around. I was on my way to a healthier lifestyle before I got pregnant with Peanut, I can do it again.
Understanding the importance of this gift, and making it a priority is the first step. It is my gift to me this year. I have five years to work it out.
I’m not sure why this is such a hard thing for me but it is.
I cried Thursday night (my birthday) as I read over all the facebook posts, emails and tweets wishing me a Happy Birthday. The sweet words that blessed me that day were just what I needed to help me start on my journey to self acceptance. I am blessed by knowing each and every one of you! *sniff*
God loves me, He made me special, with a purpose…. a GOOD purpose. I should be able to accept that. It’s time to practice what I preach.
So for this year, inside my birthday box is a note to myself that reads “You are Good Enough”
This year I turned 35.