Oh, the poor children

So, I just had my doctor’s appointment. The one where I was supposed to go and ask for a referral for a full evaluation to determine why I have such difficulty with… well… life. With a history of Adult ADHD and Recurrent Situational Depression and OCD I have good reason to wonder if maybe I’m not really that much of a slacker after all. May-be-there is is a logical source for my difficulties.
That’s pretty much what he said. The doctor.
He said… duh. Sort of.
I think the very fact that I knew my anxiety level would be so high, and my mom knew it would be high, that she took the time to type up some of the “venting” I had shared with her recently so I wouldn’t get all lost in the “oh crap I have to meet a NEW doctor and I hate doctors and he’s a dude and I hate dude doctors but I hate girl ones too” anxiety and forget impressed him. I think it pointed out just how serious my anxiety is, how serious my frustrations are and how much it is effecting various areas of my life. My husband’s note at the bottom read “She expects too much out of everyone INCLUDING herself.” and “If you swap items on her “schedule” for the day  you might as well just go to bed and start over. She shuts down”
He didn’t question my concerns at all. Of course I have engrained short circuits and chemical issues. The wires are wired differently by inherited traits. I have had two recent pregnancies fairly close together and never came back to my “base line” between them so I’m taking an extra long time finding “base” now.
That’s where we need to start he said. Get me back to base. Base isn’t happy. Base is a place where I am capable of using coping skills.
He also said I had a head start because I have GREAT coping skills, when I’m capable of using them.  Right now, my subconscious has started to just blow chemicals left and right trying to compensate and what I’m feeling is utter chaos in my brain.  My cycling up and down, never quite becoming depressed and never quite becoming full on manic, is shallow but fast. The days of OCD behaviors where I sew anything that will fit under my machine are wonderful but quickly followed by days where I do good to sit in my chair and post sewing ideas on Pinterest. Interruptions to either of my swings is met with anger, harsh tones, or tears.
So, I wait. For him to talk to the psychiatrist. Seems the most commonly used medications to help slow the roll of my … roll are either in a family of medications that I have had issues with before or they can’t be taken while nursing. Effexor, one of the more commonly offered options, creates a slew of side effects in me that go beyond the ones in their reference books. My feet turn purple y’all. I can’t go there.
I wait for the call that he has called something in, something to try, somewhere to start. Then I make the call to schedule counseling because I promised him I would.
We get back to base. We slow the roll so I can pull out my basket of coping skills and start again.
Hubby is getting help now too. He has his own laundry list of issues.He saw the same doctor two days ago.
When Dr. M realized that he was with me he just laughed…. “oh your poor kids” and chuckled a little. Then made me promise to believe them when they say “it’s hard momma”, “I can’t, I don’t understand”, and to take the time to teach them my skills, to show them a better way and to see help and guidance from professionals who can help. Because the genetics didn’t stop with me, or with the Mister. We have four beautiful children, who will have beautiful lives, that will be full and functional because when their parents stopped and acknowledged that there was something “not right” they bit the bullet and asked for help. Even when it was hard, and scary, and they had been told before that it was in their imagination.
Getting leveled out will not fix all that is wrong. It will help me to take the time to learn the skills I’ll need to function more productively, and maybe …..maybe… with a softer tone and bigger smile.
**Oh, I almost fell out of my chair when he said my OCD would get worse on the meds before things got better. I mean… I don’t have OCD. People with that wash their hands a bajillion times or open and close the doors right? ummm, He was very kind when he chuckled and then pointed out all the examples I had given him in the previous 15 minutes of me exhibiting OCD behavior. It’s not always about repetition. Sometimes it’s about days on end where the only task I can do is to sew, or clean, or cook, or write, or read… just one thing, non stop, as if my life depended on it. Because sometimes it does feel that way. Sew or die. Write or die. Clean or die. Who knew? **

4 thoughts on “Oh, the poor children

  1. Eryn says:

    You went! And was it as bad as it was in your head? Nope! It’s just like so many other things, we build it up in our heads until we’re crippled.
    I am proud of you & proud of your husband. Proud of your mama for writing it down.
    It’s going to get better. And if it doesn’t get better on the 1st things they try, keep at it. You HAVE to advocate for yourself.
    Like I said, he works FOR. YOU. You don’t work for him. YAY! Big changes are coming, Lisa.

  2. Rose says:

    Wow! You are dealing with so many of the same issues I am. OCD, depression, cycling ups and downs. I have seen the doctor and gotten some help and it does get better. I promise. Not that there aren’t struggles but they’re manageable.

  3. aplaceforthoughts says:

    Hugs. And we might be cousins or sisters or something. Can you do something for me today? Grab a cup of coffee and walk outside BY YOURSELF for 5 minutes. Breathe. Unwind.
    (Unwind? What? What is that? Yeah, I don’t know either. 😉 )

  4. Heather Cardenas says:

    Good for you on starting your journey to return to your “base.”. I am on a similar journey myself. When I read your posts I see so much that I relate to. It is almost exactly what I go through on a daily basis. I am on some meds currently, prescribed by my MD, but I am still not at a place I would call happy. I feel really sorry for my family for being forced to put up with me on a daily basis- but they are very understanding . I feel like sometimes I’m not able to put into words how I am feeling as eloquently as you can, & when I am at the MD I end up a crying mess. He wants me to see a therapist, but I haven’t made that leap yet. All in due time I suppose. I just want to thank you for sharing like you do, once again:)

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