If I didn't have…

Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I didn’t have Mr. B.
Not because I don’t want him!! I do want him. I love him. Everyday I know more and more that God made him just for me.
It’s just that sometimes I wonder how my issues would have played out if I hadn’t had the distraction of a husband, the interruption of children, and the chaos that comes with a family.
I have never lived alone in my life. Ever. In college I shared dorm rooms with roommates. Then I rented a house off campus with four other individuals. I did not get along with them at all. It was during this time that I met Mr. B. We met, and in less time than it takes to gestate a human baby we were married.
I do not know what it is like to not have to share your space, to not be able delegate the chores, or what it would feel like to have things stay where you left them.
Would I be neater? Would the total control over what comes in and out of my house lead to less stuff? or more?
Would I have stayed focused on my career? Would I have tried a second time to pass the CPA exam?
Would I have still failed miserably at the career positions I fought so hard to earn?
I’d like to think that my life would still be hard. Still a mental struggle every day.
I’d like to think that in exchange for my own space, my own time, and my own peace and quiet that I gained confidence, security, and deeper understanding of love. I have found a position better than any job in the accounting department. I am needed in ways that no corporation could have ever needed me.
Even with my difficulties and “quirks” that make living with me a challenge, I am loved, by my kids, my husband, and first and foremost by my God.
I will let my mind wander, and ponder what might have been; because when it returns home it is always happy to be here, in this version of my life.