It’s not me.

I can feel the crazy. The irrational feelings and thoughts. It’s like I am separated from myself, watching from the inside, while a hurricane of negative thoughts swirl around outside of me, trying to escape. Like a bee stuck in the car, banging at windows trying to find that one opening so it can get out, my thoughts are banging against my brain searching for a way out, a way to be heard.

Sorry not sorry, but dudes… you are not escaping. Not if I can help it.

Why? Because you are not real.

You are a product of some chemical that my brain just got a jolt of, a little too much of, or maybe not enough of, and quite frankly you are not making any dang sense. So before you do any damage, just chill your britches and wait.

I KNOW this is what’s going on because I finally have a few answers and a better idea of why I have been on a slow decline for years. I have a more detailed understanding of the immune system, and hormones, and histamines, and dopamines, and all sorts of other “-mines” and “-pines” and “-ones” and all the other things that work together and apart from all the other things that make our bodies work, or not work.

So I’ll evaluate what I ate. I’ll double check the medicine I took, or forgot to take, and the supplements. I’ll do my deep breathing. I’ll color. I’ll make a list. I’ll tell someone I love them. I’ll lie and say that today I am okay. I’ll wait, for it to pass.

It will.

I woke up this morning, still here to fight the good fight because the fight isn’t over. I know it’s not over because I woke up. God isn’t done with me, so I won’t be done with me.

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Photo by Anastasiya Lobanovskaya on

One thought on “It’s not me.

  1. walt says:

    OH you are back. Have missed you since I left twitter. Your honest views and your way of seeing things the way they really are.

    So your post, I can relate to the battle with the brain/mind and the ideas that come out. Before having Christ in my life I would follow those “voices” and it made my life and those around me very bad. I thank Jesus for helping me and when they show up I give them the value they deserve and I tell the enemy that he can take them right back to hell where he got them. I will never let stupid ideas make me lose my temper or make decisions that are not inline with the way I want to live my life. Its not easy but its worth it to fight back. I agree it is often some outside influence that triggers these events. For me it can be lack of sleep or my migraines or even a tv show that hits me wrong and brings back bad memories. So keep fighting the good fight. Oh also I cheated and read the last book in the Bible, good news WE WIN!

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