A Birthday Dinner for my Prince…

Today is my Prince’s birthday. For the next 24 days he will be the same age as I am and we joke every year about it.
We do stuff for each other throughout the year so presents are usually colored pictures from the kids and a yummy meal.
This year I made up a recipe for his dinner. Stuck to his favorites: beef, veggies, beer.
For a veggie we had butter fried squash with sweet onions and carrots.
For dinner, I took out half a london broil I had purchased 1/2 off a few weeks ago and put it on the George Foreman for a while.
When the meat was done, I set it on the cutting board to sit while I tossed a tortilla on the Foreman (soaking up the goodness!). Moved that to his plate and layered red leaf lettuce and shredded mozzarella cheese on top of it. Sliced up the beef and filled the tortilla with strips, then poured on a little A1 (cracked pepper variety).
Hubby loved it! I did too, which is odd, normally only one of us are in love with something new I make.
I’d share a picture, but …there wasn’t anything left to take a picture of.
Happy Birthday Honey!

Fish burps, low rise toddler britches, and being okay with not being okay.

I hid most of the weekend. The yard sale was almost a disaster. Then we had unexpected guests. Then we had a cookout with the neighbors which inevitably led to overtired very dirty kids and jovial beer drinking men talking too loud about tools, trucks and fire works.

I woke up Sunday morning and decided that I was going to be okay. I was finding it very liberating to have a doctor tell me that I wasn’t just lazy, or tired, or the mother of a few too many kids. It wasn’t just depression, or stress, or my childhood, or some other disorder that they read off of my family history sheet.

I’m not bad, I’m just wired different. It’s okay. It’s not an excuse to behave badly but it does explain my bad behavior. Now that I know, I can seek out new ways to learn how to cope, how to function.

My options for medicinal assistance are slim because I’m still nursing. So I pulled out my Fish Oil capsules, went to the store for my Sunday coupons before I could forget, and set about intentionally focusing on spending time with my husband. He rarely gets my attention, and it’s never undivided.

It was a great day. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good. We laughed. We had dinner at the table. It didn’t taste good, but no one complained. Even our non-eating Bubbagirl sat in her chair and tried a few raisins. He read them a bed time story and tucked them in, spending a few extra minutes since he knew he’d be gone most of the week.

Today, the girls willing helped to tidy things up before our Mommy Helper arrived. I tidied our bedroom, which like my husband rarely sees my attention. I helped tidy their bedroom. I gathered dirty laundry and tidied the living room. I vacuumed and moved the chairs to make room for the sofa bed; the girls reward for helping was getting to take out the sofa bed while Daddy was gone. I sewed. It was another day taking the Fish Oil and I’m starting to really believe the reports that is somehow helps with OCPD and ADHD. Things didn’t go my way, but I stayed calmer than usual. I finished tasks. I worked logically. I still became bummed when I repacked my “for sale” items I had made and set out at the yard sale. It will take more than Fish Oil for me to really think my stuff is worth selling to anyone. I did manage to refrain from shutting down my Artfire store, which was my plan when I started to get down about the whole thing.

Sewing Bubbagirl’s new pants upside down didn’t help any either…talk about feeling like a doofus!  I managed to laugh, focused on what I did successfully sew today and set it all down until tomorrow.

I’ve had my chocolate, the kids are asleep, and I think I’m going curl up on my hubby’s pillow and watch something on tv that he would probably watch. I’ll pretend he’s laying in bed behind me, watching with me and I’ll fall asleep dreaming of the days ahead as we start our journey together to get our family healthy.

Oh, the poor children

*snicker*
So, I just had my doctor’s appointment. The one where I was supposed to go and ask for a referral for a full evaluation to determine why I have such difficulty with… well… life. With a history of Adult ADHD and Recurrent Situational Depression and OCD I have good reason to wonder if maybe I’m not really that much of a slacker after all. May-be-there is is a logical source for my difficulties.
Duh.
That’s pretty much what he said. The doctor.
He said… duh. Sort of.
I think the very fact that I knew my anxiety level would be so high, and my mom knew it would be high, that she took the time to type up some of the “venting” I had shared with her recently so I wouldn’t get all lost in the “oh crap I have to meet a NEW doctor and I hate doctors and he’s a dude and I hate dude doctors but I hate girl ones too” anxiety and forget impressed him. I think it pointed out just how serious my anxiety is, how serious my frustrations are and how much it is effecting various areas of my life. My husband’s note at the bottom read “She expects too much out of everyone INCLUDING herself.” and “If you swap items on her “schedule” for the day  you might as well just go to bed and start over. She shuts down”
He didn’t question my concerns at all. Of course I have engrained short circuits and chemical issues. The wires are wired differently by inherited traits. I have had two recent pregnancies fairly close together and never came back to my “base line” between them so I’m taking an extra long time finding “base” now.
That’s where we need to start he said. Get me back to base. Base isn’t happy. Base is a place where I am capable of using coping skills.
He also said I had a head start because I have GREAT coping skills, when I’m capable of using them.  Right now, my subconscious has started to just blow chemicals left and right trying to compensate and what I’m feeling is utter chaos in my brain.  My cycling up and down, never quite becoming depressed and never quite becoming full on manic, is shallow but fast. The days of OCD behaviors where I sew anything that will fit under my machine are wonderful but quickly followed by days where I do good to sit in my chair and post sewing ideas on Pinterest. Interruptions to either of my swings is met with anger, harsh tones, or tears.
So, I wait. For him to talk to the psychiatrist. Seems the most commonly used medications to help slow the roll of my … roll are either in a family of medications that I have had issues with before or they can’t be taken while nursing. Effexor, one of the more commonly offered options, creates a slew of side effects in me that go beyond the ones in their reference books. My feet turn purple y’all. I can’t go there.
I wait for the call that he has called something in, something to try, somewhere to start. Then I make the call to schedule counseling because I promised him I would.
We get back to base. We slow the roll so I can pull out my basket of coping skills and start again.
Hubby is getting help now too. He has his own laundry list of issues.He saw the same doctor two days ago.
When Dr. M realized that he was with me he just laughed…. “oh your poor kids” and chuckled a little. Then made me promise to believe them when they say “it’s hard momma”, “I can’t, I don’t understand”, and to take the time to teach them my skills, to show them a better way and to see help and guidance from professionals who can help. Because the genetics didn’t stop with me, or with the Mister. We have four beautiful children, who will have beautiful lives, that will be full and functional because when their parents stopped and acknowledged that there was something “not right” they bit the bullet and asked for help. Even when it was hard, and scary, and they had been told before that it was in their imagination.
Getting leveled out will not fix all that is wrong. It will help me to take the time to learn the skills I’ll need to function more productively, and maybe …..maybe… with a softer tone and bigger smile.
 
**Oh, I almost fell out of my chair when he said my OCD would get worse on the meds before things got better. I mean… I don’t have OCD. People with that wash their hands a bajillion times or open and close the doors right? ummm, He was very kind when he chuckled and then pointed out all the examples I had given him in the previous 15 minutes of me exhibiting OCD behavior. It’s not always about repetition. Sometimes it’s about days on end where the only task I can do is to sew, or clean, or cook, or write, or read… just one thing, non stop, as if my life depended on it. Because sometimes it does feel that way. Sew or die. Write or die. Clean or die. Who knew? **

Can't just eat hot dogs right?

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We’re about to take our first family vacation ever. For those counting, we’ve been married 14 years as of this coming Tuesday and our oldest child turns 10 this year!
We’ve done things, but always with a set of grandparents along – usually footing the larger part of the bill.
We’re going camping, in the mountains, where not even a cell tower can bring me the interwebs.
Mr.’s idea of lunch and dinner consists of sandwiches and hotdogs. This is okay for a day or two but not for five or six and he fails to remember that our oldest daughter doesn’t eat bread. Momma had to make a meal plan for a week that would feed 6 picky people with no microwave or oven. I found a gizmo so I could make chicken nuggets over a campfire, I’m taking my pot and Coleman stove so I can make Chef BoyRDee.
I also figured I could just snack them to death. This tub is full of good things and bad things alike and this doesn’t even include the real fruit. If so much as ONE person complains about being hungry before next Sunday I might just leave them at the lake…. indefinitely.
No electricity, no air mattress, no phone, no help, just us – together – a family.
To say I’m nervous is an understatement.
To say I’m not excited would be a lie.
 

After a tear or two

I’m not the best house keeper. I love to organize but struggle at staying organized. Hubby has suffered through numerous do-overs in our home. We’ve even swapped entire rooms before (kids room and our room, school room and craft room and kitchen). So when I asked him this weekend to take me to Lowe’s for a little pegboard project I had in mind he didn’t respond very kindly.

What started out as me just being disappointed turned into me being mad as fire.

**quick explanation: He had told me 6 weeks ago while standing in Lowes that if I wanted a peg board I could have one. This weekend he said he never told me I could have one. So either I was a liar or I was hearing voices in my head, either way it’s not something you want to accuse me of.**

I sewed until I calmed down a bit and then we talked. I showed him pictures online of non manly garage style pegboard set ups. Then he took me to Lowes.

This is what I made:

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Grocery bag holder, Four Dishtowels (Osnaburg), KitchenAid Mixer Cover, Curtains, Three Potholders in Green and Michael Miller’s Fifties Kitchen print!

This is what he made:

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And the supervisor, George.

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Learning to Let Go

I love my dad. Deeply. I didn’t grow up with him though. I had step dads; but mom was very adamant that NO ONE disciplined her children but her. I have NO idea what dad’s should do, or sound like or act like except what I’ve seen on tv and movies.
I really didn’t think it would be a big deal. Only once in a while do I feel like I missed out on something- I get sad- and I move on. I have him now, he’s awesome, everything’s good.
Except.
Now I have a husband and we have children. HE is Dad and I’m having a hard time.
I feel like his Dad was pretty harsh. Not abusive! But the whole family seems to speak to each other with a “what the heck were you thinkin’ when you did that ” attitude. Even when you are right they act like you were wrong. They also almost always sound like they are yelling at you… or at least loudly speaking with an unsatisfied tone.
Well not ALWAYS, but a lot. Not normally to me, but to Mr. B for sure.
So I have a tendency to monitor and coach his conversations with the kids. I prep him for time spent with them and feel the need to stand behind the children giving him hand cues. “Be Nice” “Let her finish” “Stop Growling” “Don’t Eat Them”
But today, today I let him extend their “no tv in the bedroom” punishment out another two weeks. I bit my tongue when he went upstairs, even though I KNEW the sobbing six year old would only sob harder, and let him say what he wanted and with the tone he wanted. He was calmer than I expected. He used language I wouldn’t approve of, not foul language, just not very “soft and mommyfied”. Now our children are doing what they were told to do; something they were NOT doing before he went up there.  He did just fine, without my input.
I need to learn how to let it go. Let HIM go. I hurt their feelings all the time because I’m being their parent and not their friend. I need to stop worrying that he will hurt their feelings. I need to trust that he is their dad and it will be okay.I need to let him stand up for me with they disrespect me. I need to stop defending them.
It serves no purpose for me to preach that Daddy is the leader and for my children to see me block his every attempt to act like the leader.
Learning to let him be in control is hard. I trust him with so much, why can’t I trust that he can handle disciplining our children. Deep down I know he’s a much bigger softie than I.

Just me

No meme, no theme, no vlog with graphics, no cute pictures.
I feel like as of January 1, 2011 my blog has gone downhill.  Maybe I feel that way because after my first week of well thought out scheduled posts were done I found myself scrambling to make sure I posted something everyday.  Everyone was starting these great New Years themes and I wanted to join in.  I even started my own.
Suddenly I don’t feel like blogging.
I am running the Couch to 5K program.
I am sitting on the floor with my kids.
I am (thanks to a broken washing machine) doing LOTS of laundry.
I am learning to do better blog design.
I am learning new tricks for my graphics design.
I am trying to be optimistic about hubby’s trip out of town most of next week.
I am desperately ignoring the speed at which my ONLY son, and last baby, is advancing through the “infant” stage.  He is stealing food off my plate, drinking my tea, and climbing the stairs.  He just turned 7 months old.
I am trying to read my Bible every day.
I am trying to cook more real food and less boxed food.
I am trying to focus, organize, take time, make time, love, cherish, remember, hang on, let go, trust, wait, balance, juggle, breathe.
I.am.failing.
My house is a wreck. My kids are stressed (their behavior gives that away). Mr. B is at his wits end with them.  I feel stupid and inadequate. I have to write a to do list to remember to brush my teeth and hair.
I really thought that if I stopped trying to dabble in everything and just picked a few things that really interested me that I would be more successful.  I feel even more lost.
I need to find a way to work with what I have.  I have to step up again.  I have to make it work.
Hubby keeps telling me there is no such thing as “multi-tasking”. It is only “switch-tasking” and it is NEVER an effective way to function.
I keep telling him he is not allowed to lecture me on this topic again until he can give me a viable alternative.

I almost forgot about today

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I got a new toy today. Hubby bought me an HTC Desire. This Droid phone totally rocks my socks.

I’ve been to busy playing Word Feud and Angry Birds to remember my blog!

I didn’t totally forget and now here I am blogging from my phone. No excuse now huh?

Feminine Appeal-Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother – Getting Started

I am SO excited to be re-reading this book this time with a couple of fine ladies to help make sure I work through the discussion section!  It is an amazing book.  I rushed through it the first time, getting mad, and never took the time to work through the questions.
Seven VirtuesThis week’s assignment: Read Chapter One “Transformed by Titus 2”. Feel free to tweet during the week with the hashtag #7virtues.  I will post next Sunday my comments about the discussions questions for this Chapter.  You can either post your comments here, or on your own blog.
Please if your joining in link up below!
Want to know what it’s all about? Click here for the original post!