This Little Light of Mine

I am again amazed and left teary over how God can take a perfectly boring moment and turn it into something overwhelmingly beautiful.

Taderbug and I were in my car, returning from a rather dull trip to the grocery store.  After an eventful weekend, I was exhausted and cranky.  My knees hurt for inexplicable reasons and I knew I was returning to a still very trashed home.  I was very pouty.  Taderbug was not. Despite her injury she was quite chipper, as long as I stayed nearby.


I heard her make some comment about waving to a little girl.  I’ll admit I was only half listening.  Then she said something again, so I looked up and to my left at the little girl in the truck next to us.  Her blonde head was laying against the window.  Her face looked sad and tired.  She may have just been bored, I couldn’t be sure.  Then she picked up her head and smiled at me.  I smiled back and looked to my right to see my Taderbug (yes, I had her in the front seat…shoot me.) smiling and waving at the girl.   We ended up switching lanes and the girl and her father (I’m assuming that was her dad) were soon on our right.  The girl now twisting and turning in her seat to smile and wave at my Tader.   Then I saw the man smile.  Then it was our turn and they drove away.

Tader went on and on about her new friend.  That is when I heard the voice in my head. The voice that explained what just happened and put it upon my heart to tell my daughter immediately.

“Tader” I said. “Did you know that God just used you? That you were just His Little Light?  That you just shared God with that little girl?”

Her face lit up.  She was so excited to think that God’s love had been shared by her without her even ‘doing it on purpose’.  How just by being nice, and having love in her heart and spreading it that she was sharing God with others…. since God is Love.  Her little light, sitting my car, shone so bright that day that the little girl couldn’t help but take notice.  Like a hot flame it spread from my Tader, to the girl, to me, back to the girl, and to her dad. 

As I laid in bed that night, holding my little Peanut with Tader curled up behind me, I thought of all the times I set out in a fabulous mood only to have  a random person snuff out my light.  Maybe they said something snarky. Maybe they just gave a nasty look or I overheard them saying something negative to another person.  Either way, they snuffed my light, burst my bubble, rained on my parade without even knowing it.  Then I thought of how often I must be snuffing out candles. 

How many times does my snarky comment about someone or something trigger “yea me too” snarky comments from my friends.  While I feel validated and like a big group hug is going on, I know in my heart I am just spreading around negativity like it was the swine flu.  Any negativity in my heart is taking up valuable space that COULD be filled with Love. 

Yesterday, I decided to do my best to be a light.  To be like my Taderbug.

It was SO UNBELIEVABLY HARD.  I guess I’m very used to whipping off a remark or two to vent or just be funny. I tried to stop and think before I tweeted.  I had to bite my tongue when my husband came home and was unable to take over for a bit so I could have a break.  I had to focus on my words and my expressions and NOT give in to saying what would make me feel better for the moment.

If I’m being whiny, fussy, cranky, judgmental, snarky, rough, rude, ‘too busy’, and inconsiderate of others than I am NOT being a light in this world.  My job is not to be a super mom, or a great blogger, or a hot wife, an avid reader, a frugal shopper…. my JOB is to be a Light to the world.  The rest comes along on its own.

The ever growing to do list.

Hey ya’ll.  I know, this is supposed to be a post of one of my great grandma’s recipes.
Unfortunately, I’ve been a bit depressed lately (there.isaidit.)  Nothing harsh like before.  I can just feel the spiral beneath me ready to suck me in and during a couple of real good cryfest-pittyparties it almost got me.
Hubby has been sent out of town for work almost every week for two months.  He goes again next week.  I have in laws visiting this weekend and my mom visiting next weekend because our oldest daughter turns 9 on Halloween.
My house is a wreck.  My toddler is a whirling dervish. My attitude is quite frankly just bad.
The good news is, my house can be cleaned, I’ve lost 5 lbs and started the couch to 5k, and I have a couple of orders to complete. Hubby will be home all day today and his parents will take the big kids out tomorrow to give me a little break (aka time to work).
We are supposed to go see a car salesman today about a bigger vehicle.  I’m praying hard that we will make the correct choice here.  Every time I ask for guidance I get an answer, conflicting answers.  I know this is because there is an outcome I want and things are being filtered through those desires. Right now I’m feeling like it might be a waste of our time.
I got in some new fabrics AND new PUL so I’m looking forward to getting some more bibs made!  I’m also considering making one of each of my items as a matching set to list together.  Guess I should probably finish the Halloween costumes first huh?

Fail to plan, plan to fail..

Not so. At least not with me.
Here I am again. Trying to get the kids to go to bed, or at least settle down for some quiet time.  Reading tweets from other moms whose kids have either BEEN in bed for a while already or they are skipping off to put themselves to bed nicely.
I feel lost.  I feel defeated.   I’d give just about anything for them to go to bed without a fuss.  It will be another two hours before everyone is asleep.  We’ve tried bedtime routines, soft music, white noise, aroma therapy, quiet time, down time, warm jammies, hot baths…I even told my oldest to pray for people until she ran out of names.  (well… it puts me to sleep!)
So for the next two hours I will sit here on the couch, trying to keep quiet, and I’ll make up my mental plan for tomorrow.   In a few minutes I’ll get up to go to the little girls room (wait for it, I have a point to this) where I will notice how much their bathroom could use a good cleaning.  I’ll think, “gee, that wouldn’t take more then 15 minutes or so”, and I’ll put it on the to do list.  I’ll pass by the load of laundry piling up in the hallway and think “gee, I should take that downstairs”, and put it on my list.  Sometimes I’ll even put time limits next to the things on my list.
Dishes  10 min
Vacuum 2 min
Dust 5 min
Bathroom 15 min
Make beds 5 min
I work fast, and I HAVE had my house pretty tidy in under an hour.
I make a plan.  I feel good about the plan.  I go to bed and dream about the plan.
Then I wake up.  The plan begins to fail almost immediately.
The drama. The whining. The unexpected phone call. The burnt lunch.
Then it’s 5 o’clock.
Hubby is home. Nothing will get done now.
Even as I’m typing my plan of what this post would be has failed.  I did have a point.  It was a good one too I think.
Oh well.  There is much grumbling upstairs…. and I must find my notebook and pencil.  I must plan for tomorrow.

Count them one by one…

Not the kids. I already know how many of them there are.
They qualify for this list, but they are obvious additions.
I’m trying to be more specific for today….because I’ve been a bit of a downer lately….feeling “crispy” as my friend Sunday would put it.
I feel the need to remind myself of the little things I have been blessed with today.
In no particular order:

  1. I instant messaged hubby that I didn’t know what to fix for dinner and he read between the lines and picked up my favorite ‘tv dinner’….and cooked it for me….and served it to me…..and then made chocolate chip cookies.
  2. He did all this while recovering from a severe sinus infection, after working all day, and knowing he had to go to work again tonight at 1 am.
  3. Each of my children smiled at me this morning when they first saw me.
  4. Our troubles with the old house (can’t make payments, renters left, need to short sale etc.) may provide us an opportunity to help my mom out of an abusive relationship, even if it’s only for a short while.
  5. Even though I’m sweaty right now (not in a good way either), it’s because the sun shone today.
  6. If I really wanted to I have air conditioning that I could turn on, a lot of people in hotter places don’t have that option.
  7. I may be behind on my blog reading but I can read, and the fact that my reader is full of posts means I have lots of bloggy friends out there writing great, helpful, frugal, inspirational and funny things….and sharing them with me.
  8. It also means I can read.
  9. I have TONS of laundry. I have been blessed that my friends, family and hubby’s job that has donated, shared and bought plenty of clothes for all of us.
  10. Our tiny house. Ok, it’s not tiny, but it seems that way to us.  There is no where to hide, to get away, or to have alone time.  While at this ‘crispy’ moment this doesn’t feel so much like a blessing I know that it is.  It means we can’t hide….I get to see hubby and the kids get to see me and I get to see them and hubby gets to see us.  We see and hear and talk and share and hug and sit close and laugh at how loud Daddy snores because there is no way to NOT be present.

God sent me my husband, perfectly created for my chaotic personality.  Then God sent us four adorable and different children.  I pray that I can glean from the trials of today the lessons He is showing me.   Apparently when it comes to lessons in patience and mercy I am a slow learner. 🙂

A little honesty, from a smoker…

Unlit filtered cigarettesImage via Wikipedia

It has been almost two years now.  Third try was the charm.  I still want one.  Do NOT ever call me a non smoker.  That only makes me want one more.  I am a smoker, I will always BE a smoker.  I make a choice, every morning.  I tell myself that even though I have a 100 reasons to want one, and a 100 reasons NOT to want one, for today it is still not worth my effort, my time, or my money to go buy cigarettes.  So I don’t.  Don’t congratulate me on quitting.  I haven’t quit anything.  I’m just too lazy to have one. 

Laying in the bed this morning, trying to soothe Bubbagirl back to sleep, I began coughing- AGAIN.  The kind of cough that sounds like you inhaled gravel.  I hate it.  Because you can’t stop.  But I feel blessed. 

See I used to do this every morning. 

Today, I am coughing because I’m in those nasty annoying final days of a head/chest cold.  Today I am one day closer to the cough going away. 

For today I have one more ‘reason not to’ to put on my list. 

Every reason NOT to, every day that I goes by and I’m still to lazy and unwilling to go to the store is a good day. 

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The little ones get blamed for it.

I owe my kids an apology.  I really do.  I probably owe them one every day, or at least a couple times a week.

Poor kids. They always get blamed for my ‘rough day’, even when it wasn’t entirely (or even mostly) their fault.

Like yesterday.

I woke up early- real early. Like 5amthesunaintevenup early.

I wrote my two bloggy posts, checked facebook for info on my new cutie-patootie nephew (a whole day and 1/2 old now), and said good morning to all my tweeps.  I made coffee for my Mr, and saw him off to work.  I even went downstairs and started a load of laundry.

The girls woke up.

That’s about all I remember.

They woke up, and amidst the normal whining, or asking, or fussing, or poking, or interrupting I know I received a couple of phone calls.  I received a couple of emails from family asking about one thing or another.

Somewhere in there was breakfast, and school, and lunch.  Someone woke Bubbagirl up from her FIVE MINUTE nap.  I know it took an hour to find pants (in their drawers), and shirts (also in their drawers), and shoes (oh gosh they are EVERYWHERE!).  Which is when Bubbagirl was woken up from her second nap. 

My time is either being sucked away or I’m giving in and quitting out of exhaustion from trying to complete a task that is constantly being interrupted. 

Here I am, the champion of the 15 minute challenge and I can’t get past 11 am without saying “I give”.

I need help my friends… (and I’ll warn you, I’m going to probably grumble that your idea won’t work… it’s just me pouting,  I’m listening … really I am 🙂  )

I need some tips,  and I need someone to hold me accountable to my own game.  And if anyone wants to tell me how to ignore the phone ringing I’d love to learn how.  The ring ring ring is just creepy to me….. and I can’t turn the ringer off, what if it’s important!

If I were smart I’d probably be reading these…  but I’d need time to read huh?  How’s that work?
If I’m Diapering a Watermelon, Then Where’d I Leave the Baby?: Help for the Highly Distractible Mom
Life Lessons for Busy Moms: Essential Ingredients to Organize and Balance Your World (Chicken Soup for the Soul)
The e-MOMS ONLINE Time Management Workbook
Help for Busy Moms