If I didn't have…

Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I didn’t have Mr. B.
Not because I don’t want him!! I do want him. I love him. Everyday I know more and more that God made him just for me.
It’s just that sometimes I wonder how my issues would have played out if I hadn’t had the distraction of a husband, the interruption of children, and the chaos that comes with a family.
I have never lived alone in my life. Ever. In college I shared dorm rooms with roommates. Then I rented a house off campus with four other individuals. I did not get along with them at all. It was during this time that I met Mr. B. We met, and in less time than it takes to gestate a human baby we were married.
I do not know what it is like to not have to share your space, to not be able delegate the chores, or what it would feel like to have things stay where you left them.
Would I be neater? Would the total control over what comes in and out of my house lead to less stuff? or more?
Would I have stayed focused on my career? Would I have tried a second time to pass the CPA exam?
Would I have still failed miserably at the career positions I fought so hard to earn?
I’d like to think that my life would still be hard. Still a mental struggle every day.
I’d like to think that in exchange for my own space, my own time, and my own peace and quiet that I gained confidence, security, and deeper understanding of love. I have found a position better than any job in the accounting department. I am needed in ways that no corporation could have ever needed me.
Even with my difficulties and “quirks” that make living with me a challenge, I am loved, by my kids, my husband, and first and foremost by my God.
I will let my mind wander, and ponder what might have been; because when it returns home it is always happy to be here, in this version of my life.

What if it was just all gone…

imageI have absolutely no right to be whining right now. I have friends having completely crappy days at this very moment and yet I’m sitting on my couch, eating cheese and crackers, in near tears over this picture.
Honest to goodness, this was JUST taken. This is the better side of the room. Most of it could be tidied up in minutes. No major filth, just clutter. Every where.
I’ve been in three different rooms today trying to organize and switch from winter things to summer things.
I try to get going and then I just stop and wonder …
 
What if it all just went away? What if I didn’t question it and just tossed it? What if I took anything I haven’t worn in a year and put it in a bag? What would happen if all those craft supplies that I NEVER use or make anything with were donated, freecycled, TODAY?
Would my world come to an end?
Would I fail to ever craft again because I had to plan for it and go buy supplies AS NEEDED?
Would my kids become suddenly uneducated because I eliminated the Kindergarten workbook they never used?
I realize I have tubs of tubs for organizing and piles of stuff not in tubs. It is insanity.
It needs to stop.
Today.
Because nothing bad is going to happen if some of this stuff just goes away.

Pearls and heels

I am not a shoe girl. Mainly because I have size 10 wide squared feet that do not fit in anything pretty. NOTHING.
I have tennis shoes.
I have my $10 black ballet flats from the big store.
Last summer, I bought a pair of white $10 ballet flats.
I can’t even wear flip flops because they look rediculous.
Well, I just might have to paint my toenails and apply a little foot lotion because hubby just bought me these!
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Not only were they size 10, and wide, and they fit, without having to wear hose, but they were only $10!!!!
OMG OMG OMG
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I don’t even care that my toes are weird… I have cute shoes.
My friend Jessica B would say “if they are looking at your feet your doing something wrong” so I guess I won’t worry about my toes.
I might have to go back and get the black pair, for Relevant 11. It’s in October, can’t wear white then right?
 
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Seems someone is trying to bogart my new shoes.
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I decided yesterday to “break them in” by wearing them for 15 minute increments while I did chores. Better to work them now than to be standing barefoot in church Easter morning.
Um, I like it.
Wearing the heels I mean.
I haven’t worn them in so long that I forgot how pretty they make me feel, even if I am wobbly.
I was enjoying wearing them around the house, clicking across the floor to gather dishes.
Maybe I need to find me a more appropriate pair for around the house, and find my pearls.
They TOTALLY made my cotton muumuu nightgown look hawt.

(Not so) Alone in the Dark

I was a woman possessed and blessed today! My kitchen is CLEAN. I don’t just mean the dishes are done. I mean three bags went in the trash, two went out for freecycle and I have labels on my cabinet so I don’t have to listen to Mr. Daddy Man whine that he can’t find his water jugs. open a cabinet and LOOK INSIDE is apparently DIFFICULT
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I know I did a great job when he walked in and asked who’s house this was. I actually predicted that reaction on twitter a few hours earlier!  I tossed old bottles and nipples and sippy cups that were missing pieces. I junked “toss n go” cups well passed their expected life span. I matched up bottles and tops and sippies and valves and what was left was… TOSSED.
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I got rid of all those cups from Applebee’s and all the sectioned kiddie plates that cause fights at the table. My large collection of Tupperware collapsing bowl-freecycled. Old snacks long forgotten and gone stale….tossed. The set of Playtex converter and caps for my breastpump-freecycled. Window sill cleared to make way for the dandelions and wild daisies, sweet gifts from my girls stuffed into baby food jar vases.
It wasn’t what I had planned on doing today, it just happened. I would feel bad that the kids watched tv almost all day but I don’t. They kept coming in to tell me something new they learned. I heard Taderbug reading to Bubbagirl. Doodlebug spent an hour playing a quite complicated strategy game online. Normally I have to clean while constantly being interrupted by little people fighting over what to watch, what to do, who touched who or “hey mom, I have to pee”.
Not today.
Today they behaved. They shared. They laughed. I got things clean.
(okay, before you get all “she thinks she’s all that” on my.. I did NOT clean my fridge nor did I mop the floors. I ain’t THAT good)
Mr. Daddy Man came home early, we shared some coffee, and I fixed the girls fresh spaghetti noodles to go with the leftover sauce I had frozen from a few weeks ago (total Mom WIN). I had these dinners for two from Schwan’s I was going to cook up for us after the kids ate dinner. It didn’t happen.
The kids ate.
It’s currently 8:05 pm. We have not eaten. He is at karate with Doodlebug. I am at the kitchen table wearing out the battery on my laptop typing this while Peanut plays with my almost-dead phone and the other girls read the Nook in Daddy’s chair. I have two scented candles and one tea light candle and it’s getting dark.
Scented candles to not put off much light. *the more you know*
Somewhere around 6pm, as the girls were heading out to play before karate, there was a loud BOOM and our electricity went out. It seems the transformer that runs just our street thought this particular Tuesday was a fine time to go KaBlooooey!
The neighbor said the electricity doesn’t go out here very often.
They also said that when it does go out, it takes our electric company for-flipping-ever to fix it.
Yea.
So what do you do when there’s no electricity?
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Let there be cake.

I’m not sure what the heck happened to today. I woke up early, happy, and had coffee with Mr. Daddy Man. He had to leave super early for work and I wanted to see him before he left. The two year old woke up and then quickly dozed back off while laying on the couch. Even the baby woke up and then we back to sleep for me. I had almost and entire hour of pure quiet! UNHEARD OF I TELL YOU!
I had lessons ready, dishes washed, laundry going. I let them sleep in a bit. As the babies started to stir I started feeling the day was not going to be what I had planned so I prayed and told God I would give Him the day, I would do what He had planned. Not that I really have a choice, it was more like “okay I’m not going to fight you on it”.
Sitting on my couch now, with two kids asleep and two playing nicely, I can honestly say the day wasn’t that bad. I cut out pieces to two twirly skirts, I made a yummy dinner, hubby came home on time and was able to pick Doodlebug up from violin class. I got a shower all by myself. I had enough gas to get me home (on fumes!) but I made it to violin and to the post off to mail off some cutie things to two of my twitter friends and my sister.
Still, I spent most of the day feeling annoyed at everything. I gave up on school and let them play outside. The neighbor behind us is a single dad, he was trying to mow his grass and his four year old daughter wanted the girls to play. It got out of hand and I ended up fixing lunch for her too (no biggie… Ramen… ) and she started just walking in the house like she lived there. I’m not really upset. She’s FOUR. However, she walked in on my nursing Peanut. I thought she was my kid coming in so I didn’t think to cover up. I just don’t like feeling “invaded”. Apparently for the past few days I’ve been unusually sensitive to people getting near me, sounds, temperature. GAH! Everything has annoyed me.
I hate it. I can’t wrap my head around finishing anything either. I have articles to write. A book to read. A bible study to work on. I had plans to declutter, fold laundry, meal plan. I can’t even cut coupons!
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We installed a cable box over the weekend- first time in five years that we’ve had cable or satellite.  Mr. Daddy Man returned home from work and getting Doodlebug, plopped down in the recliner and flipped through his 500 channels. My Mommy Helper pointed out that “Cake Boss” was on and I couldn’t resist asking him to watch it. I’ve never seen it before. OMG the cakes that man makes!!
Anywhoooo, after the first episode Mr. Daddy Man started talking about wanting cake. I ignored him. Then I reminded him there were brownies.
He ate the last of the brownies while he watched another episode.
We ate dinner, and he still wanted cake.
So I did what any smart deal making momma would do- I offered the man a deal.
I had my helper there entertaining the kids. I was going to shower- alone. IF the kitchen “magically” became clean before I got out of the shower then I would make cake. That meant unloading the dishwasher- and reloading. That meant finishing feeding the kids and putting away leftovers.
We had cake for desert. Just sayin’.
 

Almost midnight ramblings

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I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Babies, sickness, tooth aches and busy-ness will do that to a momma. I should be sleeping now but I needed just five minutes to drink the rest of my water bottle and be with myself.
I would say that it is quiet now but its not. The fish tank is humming. The turtle tank is splashing as the filter drops water almost six inches down into the tank. Mr. B is snoring. The fridge kind of buzzes and then makes the occasional ka chunk sound as it drops ice into the bucket.
I hear everything. What I wouldn’t give for a quiet moment to think. I keep getting angry that I’m working so hard to get that time and never feeling like I get it.
I’m starting to realize people are helping me get that time I just can’t stop the chatter in my head.
The constant run of what I need to do and buy and make and try and learn….
I need to turn it off. My brain is like a man with a remote and too many channels just flippin’ around and never really watching anything.
When given time to work I spend an hour just trying to figure out what to do first. Then I start only to find out my time is up. I need to make a plan. Give each interest of mine a month that is just theirs.  Maybe if I know I can make time for hobby A later I can better focus on interest B now.
Apparently my scent wore off of the shirt I left behind because Lil Baby Man just realized I wasn’t in bed anymore. Duty calls.
Blogging from my Android….probably from the bathroom.

I must suck at parenting

God has blessed us with four beautiful children.
On a daily basis they seem to be miserable. Everything is wrong, even when it’s something they have asked to do.  The world is too heavy, too loud, too quiet, too cold, too hot, too fast, too slow.  It’s all just wrong.
Mr. B and I have worked so hard to provide for them.  To give them what they need and some of what they want.  We have turned things upside down for them, fought for them, defended them, loved them, prayed for them and yet they are miserable.
Nothing pleases them anymore.  At least nothing I seem to do.  One of them is going to be unhappy with it.  They are going to make it known, loudly.
Why did God give my these children if I was going to be such a horrible parent?

Am I really supposed to feel failure before my morning coffee?

I totally understand and LOVE and APPRECIATE that God gives us things that we CAN handle…with Him and that it is important for us to reach for Him and seek His strength.
I get it. I go to Him. Often.
Lately, it’s before I’m even out of the bed.
I want God to be involved in every aspect of our day.  I try to remember to pray before meals. We say our bedtime prayers. I pray while I sip my coffee. When events happen, especially events that confuse or worry my children, I try to explain it to them from a Biblical perspective.
Am I really supposed to spend my entire life feeling totally incapable of making it through breakfast without an infusion of strength from the Holy Spirit?  Aren’t I allowed to feel capable of doing AT LEAST a mundane task on my own without failing?  Am I being selfish to think such things?
I lay in bed in the morning lost as to how I am supposed to get all this done.  I hate feeling like I’m just waiting for them to grow up enough for this to not be so hard anymore.
Does any of this make sense?
 

Before you run that bath, check for toilet paper

Nothing like stepping into a steaming HOT bath, looking down, and seeing little pieces of wet toilet paper floating around your legs.
I *heart* my kids.
The shower was quick, as the hot water heater was almost emptied when I filled the tub.
It’s been that kind of day.  I’m not really sure if this sudden onset depression is just stress + hormones + weather or if there are deeper underlying things that help trigger it. I do know it’s getting on my last nerve.  Hubby has been holding (sleeping in his chair) the baby since he got home so I could just sit without someone in my lap for a few minutes.  He’s trying to be helpful.  I’m just totally overwhelmed right now. He would be more than willing to stay home watch the kids for me to go out somewhere but what I really need is for everyone to leave me here.
I’d love to move the laundry up and down the stairs without having to carry a 20lb baby in the basket with me.   I’d like to start cleaning the kitchen and finish it. I’d LOVE to cut coupons without Lil Man eating most of them.
Tomorrow my friend Jess is coming over to hang out for a bit.  She’s bringing four kids with her.  I was hoping to find my kitchen table before she got here so we could sit at the table while the kids are in the living room playing.  Probably not going to happen.
In my head I know that this is just the “baby stage”, where things get left unorganized for a bit and one day I’ll wake up and he’ll be playing without needing me and I’ll have the time to take back my house.  Then I start thinking how much better things would be if I took it back now, or better yet, if I had NEVER let it get this way.
Then I feel like a craptastic mom for failing my husband and my kids for the past 15 years and not having things taken care of in advance so we could weather this “baby stage” unscathed.
Then I start thinking maybe I just don’t have it in me to be “together”.  I mean, we were married for FIVE years before we had Doodlebug.  Our house wasn’t all pull together then.
Maybe I will never have my ducks in a row or my “stuffs” in one sock.  What if my kids grow up to be unorganized messes?
What if moving to a bigger house doesn’t make it any better? What if getting rid of excess stuff doesn’t make it any better?  What if…

Please nap.

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I have one little cranky man.

He’s happy right now. As long as I stay laying in my bed, wide awake, acting as his personal tumble mat. If I get up, for food or the ever elusive bathroom break, he will writhe and cry and break out in a low grade fever; a trick that is guaranteed to get sympathy from everyone and put me back on the “Bad Momma” list.

I feel certain this is teeth related. He blew out his diaper a little bit ago so I’m feel pretty confident about scratching constipation off the list of usual suspects.

His sister had me up before 5am and mommy wants a nap in a bad bad way. I am even considering not running today out of concern for my safety. Falling asleep on the treadmill wouldz bad. Then again, a hot bath would be most delightful and few things guarantee me a bath like getting funky sweaty.

I had a really deep post to write today but my mimd has been squashed.  My brain cells oozing out of the tiny holes beingleft behind as Peanut climbs on my back using my hair and a rope.

Great, here comes the Toddler Tornado.

Help.